Isn't a bellybutton proof of identity?

So, Soop had to call to make some moves with his 401(k), because, even jeenyuses have to have plans for the future. After "verifying" my address THREE times, they tell me they will send my mail to my previous street address. The conversation went something like this:
Soop: No, No, it's 1234 Ausum Layne.
Girl: Well, that's not what we have on file.
Soop: Well, I'm telling you to change my address on your file, then.
Girl: We can't just change it.
Soop: What?! I'll change it online, then.
Girl: No. The only way you can get your address changed is by WRITTEN, NOTARIZED REQUEST.

Let me spell this out. This girl has a significant amount of Soop's money. Soop may or may not at some point in the future need access to his money. Soop had already had THREE conversations with this girl's "teammate", in which he gave the address that was apparently NOT on his account, to which this "teammate" said not a word. Soop now has to write a letter explaining that he would like to have the address on his account changed, and then take the time to find a notary and have them make sure I sign it with my signature.

Awesome. I'm going to start a new campaign just like this.

Windows Auto Updates? No way, not until I have video of Bill Gates explaining exactly what is in the updates, and then reading OUT LOUD each line of code involved in the update, so I can make sure it's legit.

Greatest Hits Albums? I want a timestamped photo of the band in the studio singing the tracks on the CD. I'm not buying old music! I want to make sure my property is updated properly!

Apple iPod/iPhone? Forget it. Don't even bother. You update your updates immediately after they're updated.

Whatever. Thanks for keeping my money safe....from.....me.