We should have a society of brain surgeons by now.

So, today, as the SooperKidz were watching their cartoons, the educational disclaimer at the beginning exclaimed "This program teaches your kids to Discover with Us, Move with Us, and Share and Care with Us". I've heard this many times over the past 10 years but never thought too much about it. Remember cartoons from my time (the '80s for all you smartass comment makers)? When you had to wait until Saturday to watch them? They didn't explain what they were going to teach you, they just kicked a bunch of ass?

Now we have several channels dedicated to cartoon programming, a 24 hour educational programming channel aimed at preschoolers. I know, I know, kids now can program an electronic device, and use the computer, and are more technologically advanced than we were, but I don't truly believe that they are any SMARTER. So what does all this educational programming do for them?

Here is a list of icons that Nick Jr. uses to display which part of their "curriculum" children are exposed to:

Count with Us: Basically early math skills, like counting, patterns, and number recognition.

Create with Us: "a show or activity will spark imagination and encourage kids to express themselves through the visual arts, music, dramatic play, and/or dance."

Discover with Us: Helps children with science and technology, encourages observations, hypotheses, and investigations.

Explore with Us: "...shows and activities that teach children about diversity, world cultures and languages, neighborhood and community, and family roles and traditions"



Make Music with Us: Encourages children to sing along, dance with music, and explore and appreciate different types of music.




Move with Us: "...learning about and engaging in activities that support physical development, health, and safety."

Read with Us: "...focuses on concepts like letters and their sounds, vocabulary, story structure and comprehension, storytelling, following directions, rhyming, and emergent writing..."

Share and Care with Us: "...represents skill areas such as building self-esteem, promoting positive social interactions, and identifying and expressing feelings."

All good things, right?! I mean, who wouldn't want their kids to watch programming that teaches all of this stuff. But, where's the payoff? I don't think 10 years from now, my daughter is going to speak fluent Spanish because of Dora. So, what's the difference between cartoons geared at education and what I watched? What did I learn from 80's cartoons that made me the person I am today?

I decided, with the help of the Saturday morning schedule from inthe80s.com, to make my own educational criteria for what I watched as a child:

Transformers

This show contains the following educational advantages:

ENGINEERING: Have you ever tried to imagine how to change a car into a robot? Kids in the 80's did.

Good versus Evil: Notice how there's no "bad" guys in cartoons anymore? 80's cartoons taught us to destroy the enemy!

G.I. Joe

This show taught 80's children the following:

Guns are ok. As long as you're in the military, you get to shoot guns, drive tanks, hang out with badass ninjas and smoking hot redheads.

PSAs are A-OK - The first cartoon I can remember with a PSA at the end of every episode.........because knowing is half the battle. Ah, yes, Duke, knowing IS half the battle.

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

This program taught 80's kids these important lessons:

Muscles are important - As long as you are ripped, your friends apparently won't make fun of the fact that you have a chick's haircut, and that they want to bang your sister.

Specialization - Make yourself REALLY useful at one thing, and you can kick ass! I mean, Mekaneck's neck could stretch like crazy. That's useful.......for like..........battle.

So obviously, we didn't have these sissy "curriculum" problems growing up in the 80's. Look at us! We're all perfectly fine, normal citizens that are desperately trying to relive our youth.

sigh.

Isn't a bellybutton proof of identity?

So, Soop had to call to make some moves with his 401(k), because, even jeenyuses have to have plans for the future. After "verifying" my address THREE times, they tell me they will send my mail to my previous street address. The conversation went something like this:
Soop: No, No, it's 1234 Ausum Layne.
Girl: Well, that's not what we have on file.
Soop: Well, I'm telling you to change my address on your file, then.
Girl: We can't just change it.
Soop: What?! I'll change it online, then.
Girl: No. The only way you can get your address changed is by WRITTEN, NOTARIZED REQUEST.

Let me spell this out. This girl has a significant amount of Soop's money. Soop may or may not at some point in the future need access to his money. Soop had already had THREE conversations with this girl's "teammate", in which he gave the address that was apparently NOT on his account, to which this "teammate" said not a word. Soop now has to write a letter explaining that he would like to have the address on his account changed, and then take the time to find a notary and have them make sure I sign it with my signature.

Awesome. I'm going to start a new campaign just like this.

Windows Auto Updates? No way, not until I have video of Bill Gates explaining exactly what is in the updates, and then reading OUT LOUD each line of code involved in the update, so I can make sure it's legit.

Greatest Hits Albums? I want a timestamped photo of the band in the studio singing the tracks on the CD. I'm not buying old music! I want to make sure my property is updated properly!

Apple iPod/iPhone? Forget it. Don't even bother. You update your updates immediately after they're updated.

Whatever. Thanks for keeping my money safe....from.....me.

Awww........

Little Noah, 5 years old, wrote a letter to PBS with a dollar. How sweet.....

PBS response:

Dear Jimmy,

From all of us here at PBS, thank you for the dollar. You see, the way we work is that we are funded by the government which uses you and your mommy's tax dollars. So you sending us a dollar just saves us the trouble of taking it from the government. Thanks! We look forward to good little future taxpayers like you, Ralphie.

As far as your "Super Hero Rescue Squad", PBS children's programming is very educational. Our programming focuses on teaching children the alphabet and making sure they grow up to trust authority figures. Besides, our children's programming that you pay for, isn't even MADE in the U.S.! HIT Entertainment, which creates Barney, is based in England! (http://www.hitentertainment.com/corporate/home.html) and Cookie Jar Entertainment, responsible for a number of kids shows such as Caillou, are based in Toronto, Canada!( http://www.thecookiejarcompany.com/cj_contact.php) That's north of us!

You see, we already have our own Super Heroes. And we here at PBS make sure you know all about them. For instance, we are showing Tina Fey's reception for the Mark Twain Award for American Humor (http://video.pbs.org/video/1642947954/), for you know, destroying the image of the first female VP candidate in decades, and possible future first female Presidential candidate ever! We here at PBS enjoy raising those kinds of Super Heroes up, and giving them airtime paid by your mommy and daddy, Johnny!

But, we know that another one of our responsibilities here at PBS is to instill the proud values that have held our taxpayers....err....country together for, what, like 700 years. That is why we feel the responsibility to air programs such as Gun Control, in Religion and Ethics Newsweekly (http://www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/episodes/january-21-2011/gun-control/7950/). We want our future revenue streams informed, Frankie!

So, in conclusion, PBS will gladly accept your contribution of one US dollar, because it is always nice to have secondary revenue streams that are in addition to your mommy's and daddy's tax dollars. And, it's not like we wouldn't have gotten it somehow anyways.

Keep watching PBS, young Gregory!

Dewey Cheatham

Ombudsman for Public Broadcasting System


Edit 1: Jan. 26,2011 - This website appeared today. Glad our tax dollars....er......Noah's dollar went to the webmaster to create this.